Last tuesday was one despairing turning point in my more than twenty years of existence!
Call it hunch or intuition but I know beforehand that something would go wrong on that day; and unluckily I turned out to have a good one (hunch).
"Miss, is looking for you!", a classmate/close friend of mine told me (he was referring to our dean's secretary). That one-liner alone told me everything I was dreadfully anticipating to hear... "My disqualification from being an honor student".
Baaaaaaaaaaam! I feel like the entire weight of the school came crashing down on me when I heard the news straight from the secretary's mouth. I thought I would break down inside the CAS office, but to my surprise I was still there, standing.
Honestly, I wasn't entirely shocked when I heard it, I've conditioned myself for this possibility; and now I'm not even sure if I'd be glad or not for doing so. Though I tried to prepare myself from that ominous possibility, I won't deny the fact that I was badly hurt and disheartened about everything; I would be a hypocrite if I'd say I wasn't!
After seing my name on the list of possibe honors posted on the bulletin, I was silently praying for it to be true, I was hoping for it to come true. All those times I was praying and hoping, I was thinking about how happy and proud my parents would be. But sadly, eleven days before my BIG DAY, every bit of possibility were turned into shattered pieces of disappointments.
It seems like I was floating out of nowhere when I went out from the CAS office. I was just glad my friend Calai was with me the whole time. From going to the CAS office with my heart half-broken to stepping out of the office with my whole heart broken, Calai was there with me.
However, now more than ever I knew I have to face it, I need to face reality, I can't turn my back from it, that's for sure...
Now the next hard thing I needed to do was face everything, head-on!
First I need to deal with my friends' questions and curiosity. I know they would instantly see "Mr. Pain" written all over my face. They would sense that something's not right with me, they always do, especially my close pals. (I'm that transparent with my emotions. I'm quite a lousy liar and pretender)
And as I've guessed it, they bombarded me with why's, how-could-that-be's, and what-happens. So there I was at the guidance office surrounded with bewildered and confused friends while I'm trying to get hold with my emotions; I don't want to cause a scene on such a public place! Yet, to my dismay I still ended up half-sobbing and half-narrating to them about what had happened.
At first I thought that all I'd get from them were their sympathetic words and hugs, but boy was i surprised; they turned out to be the most mature, optimistic, and encouraging bunch of friends I ever have. And I was like, wow, what a relief! I wasn't wrong having them as friends after all.
Things are slowly getting better as I've seen it, but I know I need to do something before I can totally let go of the pain I'm carrying along with me.
With my cellphone on my hand, I texted my mother, "Ma, I'm still part of the dean's lister, but I wasn't able to make it to the honor lists." I send the text message and waited for my mother's response (I haven't told my parents that my name was on the list of possible honors). Negative thoughts were creeping up inside my head while I was waiting for what my mother has to say. Minutes later, I've received my mom's text message, "That's okay, the important thing is that you'll be able to graduate." And with that, I shed a river of tears again; I was shedding happy tears this time! I wasn't expecting to hear those words from my mother, I was waiting for the 'why?' part to happen, but it didn't. Instead all I've heard from her was the sweetest "It's okay" I've heard in my entire life! That was something for me, no, in fact it was all what I needed that time.
Now I know my friends didn't see me less as a person and my mom didn't love me less as a daughter because of what happened. So I guess what right do I have to wallow and allow myself to be eaten up with sadness and miseries right?
I thought that what had happened would bring me back to my old pessimistic, miserable self; however it turned out to be exactly different! What happened made me a better, stronger, and a more mature person, friend and daughter.
What happened allowed me to realize tons of beautiful learnings and I'd like to share them too...
- I know God has better plans for me and He thinks that I don't need the recognition to achieve my goals and reach my dreams.
- True friends never question your capabilities, they just simply believed on it instead.
- True friends will not just cry with you, but they will wipe your tears as well until you're able to see things clearly for yourself.
- Sometimes, it's not your parents who's putting the pressure on you, but it's you who's trying to put the pressure on them to pressure you! (Get it?!)
- Your family will never love you less even though you tend to love yourself less at times.
- It's senseless and pointless feeling awful and pathetic over something unchangeable or irreparable.
- Thinking happy thoughts can take you way farther and higher than you could imagine!
"So you see, it's now how many times you fall down, it's how many times you get back up after every fall that truly matter!" ☺☺☺
(To my dear friends who cheered and lifted up my spirit, SUPER-DUPER-UBER THANK YOU! To Lala, bes Tonet, Mommy Teeya, sis Sabeel, kagz Tiff, Calai, you're the best guyz! To my nursing palz who said they will always be my #1 fan, bestfriend Bamba and Jesie boy, thank you! (aaawwww.. super touched with that! ☺)
xoxo,
Mae =)
