Saturday, November 29, 2008

Where Did My Fairytale Go?

Belle found her true love in a beast / cursed-prince while Cinderella slide and glide her glass-slippered feet towards her prince charming. Snow White and Aurora were awaken by their true loves' kisses and Rapunzel's prince climbed up her hair to come and rescue her. Jasmine rode on a magic carpet with Alladin while Ariel swam across the ocean towards her handsome prince.


Quite interesting and fateful love stories huh?! So if they've found their fairytales, why can't I find my own?...


The day I've learned about such thing as princes, knights-in-shining-armors, true loves', and happy endings, I too am wishing and hoping to have my own fairytale. I grew up thinking, "Someday, It'll be my turn!". But then days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months into years then I wonder, "Where on earth did my prince go?" Why is everybody so happily in love with their very own Romeos' while I, on the other hand, can't even be somebody else's Rosaline?


Sometimes I questioned myself if, "Am I very unappealing and unattractive that the men out there can't bare the thought of me being near them?" I even think that maybe they can't see me, like I'm practically and officially INVISIBLE TO EVERYONE!


Sounds like hurting ego right? Well maybe, probably. I admit, sometimes it's a blow on my so called human ego. But most of the times, what this "painful thought" does to me is much worse than that... it kills my confidence slowly and melts my self-worth little by little.


I know, it seems stupid but it's the truth. The idea that nobody wants me and no one will ever love me, kills me to the bone and shreds my heart into pieces. In fact it even scares me to death!


But then as enlightenment and maturity crept up inside me through time, I've realized that life isn't just all about finding the man of your dreams. It's not just about being swept off on your feet by your handsome knight nor being kissed by your prince! It's not just about looking for that special someone who can love you nor searching for Mr.Right to make you feel better and complete!


THERE'S MORE TO LIFE than just having a happy ending on a fairytale!


This time I know that if I'm meant to be with someone, for sure it'll happen, naturally. I don't need to tire myself by traveling across the universe nor going through world's end in search for love, I'm going to let love find me this time. Though I still have this "Someday it'll be my turn" notion, but at least now I believe that I don't need to rush into love, nor force it's direction towards me.


I'm sure, in GOd's perfect time and if He wills it It'll be my time to say, "...and we live happily ever after!"

xoxo,

Mae =) 

Thursday, November 27, 2008

a fOOtnOte: "The Game Is Almost Over"

the clock is definitely ticking...
soon...
who knows right?!...
it'll be over...
it'll be gone...
i know it...
i feel it...
everything's going to be okay...
i'll be fine...
i'll be better...
i will make it...
i'm going to be happy...
for real...one day...
in GOD's time...


xoxo,



Mae =)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

REALITY BITES



I am so real...


For him it's no big deal...


I'm telling the truth...


While he's just being astute...


I was trying to be genuine...


Well i guess he'd never really seen...


Most of 'it' was authentic...


But damn, he's just so pathetic...


All along it felt right...


The problem is he's not willing to take the fight!...

( a poem for "HIM" again!)

xoxo,



Mae =)

you and i "COLLIDE"

Here's the lyrics of the song "COLLIDE" by Howie Day, one of my favorite song ever...




The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah


I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again


Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide


I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind


Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide


Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide


You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide






xoxo,


Mae =)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Getting My Life Back

He's gone, FOREVER!...


These words kept haunting me for the past days, whether I'm wide awake or under a magical dream.


Days went by so slowly like a painful, dragging death march. I doubt if this heart-ripping feeling inside me would still cease. Each night I kept praying, bargaining with the ONE up above. Begging Him to bless me with courage and will-power to overcome the poignant and stabbing feeling I have with in me...




MOVE ON!...


I kept convincing myself to get on with my life. Leave all those days when I acted so dumbly impulsive. Bury all the memories of those sleepless nights of unmindful paranoia. I reminded myself that life has to go on... that my world didn't stop revolving just because he went away... that I shouldn't give up on everyone else just because someone once gave up on me.


I still have my life! I need to live it, I have to love it, I must enjoy it!

xoxo,

Mae =) 



Wishful Thinking

10. Build my dream house
9. Own my favorite cars
8. Taste the world's sumptuous and delicious cuisines
7. Have a cruise on the Carribean
6. Take a vacation on every country's tourist destination
5. Visit my favorite places in the world (Paris and others)
4. Be a well-known writer
3. Have a wonderful & growing relationship w/ my loved ones
2. Be with my one true, God-given LOVE
1. Be completely healed!

xoxo,

Mae =) 

My Short Poems for Him...


  • I MISS SOMEONE


    ...so near, yet so far!
    ...so close, yet so unreachable!
    ...so real, yet so impossible
    ...so right, yet so confusing!


  • TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

    false hopes...

    sweet lies...

    empty words...

    impossible promises...

    surreal emotions...

    FAKE ALL THE WAY!!!

xoxo,

Mae =)

Sunday, November 23, 2008

SENSITIVITY is NOT a CRIME

They don't get me, no, they can't get me at all. I'm sensitive, I won't deny it. In fact I accept it whole-heartedly. Yes, I'm sensitive but it doesn't mean I don't accept criticisms.


I know how to handle word wars, I know how to deal with back-stabbing people, and I absolutely know how to react with all those soul-scorching curses thrown at me. I'm human, I have a heart, I feel.

If people can't and won't understand this very weak part of me, then how can and will they accept the entire me? Well, that's not my problem, it's theirs. I won't stay up all night wide awake, wondering what they might think of me.

I don't care if they can't tolerate my being sensitive, in the first place, I'm not asking them to. I won't live my life the way they want it to be. If they think I'm weak in handling life's issues, then I'll leave it that way. I know myself better than they do.

If some people accused me of being overly sensitive well, I could care less. Their accusations won't kill me and it simply won't make me less of a human.

After all, I wasn't born to please any one, but GOD and GOD alone!

xoxo,




Mae =)

DILEMMA

How rational are you when it comes to falling in love? Do you think about it carefully and prepare for its possible effects towards you...or do you just savour the moment and allow love to to take its scene?


Well if you're going to throw back the question at me, I'm not really sure which one will I choose. Most of the times I am a risk-taker, but there are moments in my life as well that I like to annalyze and calculate the pros' and cons' first before jumping into the situation. But then again I also tend to over analyze things during those times when I try to balance the situation beforehand. So I guess that would still make me more of an irrational being than a rational one, right?


I know I'm not really old enough to talk about things such as falling in love and all that 'love-related stuff', but hey, love knows no time nor age, and besides I live in a free country! So I guess I can write and say anything I want to say about love...


Okay, okay... Since I am a very imaginative human being, I would like to share one of the many ways I look at love. Here it is...


Falling in love is like being on top of a tree on a cool, dark evening. At first, you're still enjoying the feel of the cool evening breeze caressing your skin. You're still glowing with pride and joy of being on top, carefree and untroubled.
Then suddenly you fell off from the tree, unguarded and unprepared. You haven't noticed the very strong wind that blew you off because you were still so ecstatic and radiating with happiness when it came. Then the next thing you know, you're already hanging on to one of the branches. You're not sure on what to do.
You're caught between hanging on the branch or letting go of it. If you'll choose to hang on the branch, you're not sure on how long will you be able to hold on to the branch. You're not sure if you'll be able to keep hanging on there 'til daylight comes. On the other hand, if you'll choose to let go of the branch, you're not sure of what awaits you down there since all you can see is the unending darkness.


Now, Will you play it safe and keep hanging on and wait 'til you see a ray of light or until someone comes for help?... Or will you risk everything and just let go even though you're not sure what's in store for you or whether someone will catch you when you reach the bottom?


We may have different views on love, we may have our own ways in dealing with it, but one thing's for sure though, we'll never know when love hit us!


xoxo,


Mae =)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

got nothin' in my head ayt now.....


I'll just post my poem since can't think of anythin' or somethin' to write as of now...
:)



Nov. 12, 2008

THE SUDDEN SHIFT


I was broke,
he came
… unexpectedly

I smiled again,
he talked,
… surprisingly

I enjoyed,
he shared
… willingly

I got confused,
he reassured
… undoubtedly

I finally fell,
he changed
… instantly

I still hoped,
he backed off
… unmindfully

Still I’ve waited,
he left me behind
… completely

xoxo,

Mae =)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I Am My Own Tailor


It's been how long? A week or two? More than 10 days? I guess I already lost track counting the days that went by. 



It's not that long though because I can still picture it inside my head. Every single day that have passed by was like a living nightmare for me. I don't have any idea how did I get through with it.

It's not easy getting over heart aches, one after the other. After I thought that I was able to slowly mend the wound in my heart, another unseen and sudden blow ripped out my 'freshly-sewn heart', open!

Everything happened so fast like the flash of a lightning, that's why I wasn't ready when it hit me. The impact was so strong, even stronger than the past blows I had that's why, I fell down really hard and I'm even badly wounded. My friends may not be able to understand me and they might wonder why I'm hurting like this, but I can't blame them.

Okay, here's the thing, I knew this guy more than a decade ago when I was still busy playing with my barbie and paper dolls and he, probably with his action-figured toys. Then ten years or so later, we accidentally bump into eachother somewhere (I won't mention the specifics 'coz I'm trying to hide his identity, I don't want to let him know.).

After that I'm not really sure what happened and why it happened, it just happened! I instantly had a 'thing' towards him. I mean, who in their sane and logical minds would evidently fall for someone in less than a week and all you did was 'talk' over the phone and the internet?! Now get the picture why my friends don't get me? I myself don't get me sometimes.

But anyway, I'm already 'into' and tangled with this thing already so I guess what I really need to do is to find ways to stop my insanity (I agree that this is totally insane, really!). I think it would be best for me to just stop trying to pull him towards me because it would only torment me more.

I'm like playing tug-of-war with him...the more eager I try to pull him back, the more draining and exhausting the task becomes. So before I'll end up bruised, battered and beyond repair, maybe it's time to let go of the rope and just bravely accept defeat.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the best time for me to start overhauling and knitting my tattered heart. I may not be able to perfectly patch my heart back together, but at least I know I've made the greatest effort of stitching it whole again!

xoxo,

Mae =) 

Surprisingly Mirrored


"First impressions last..."


Is this saying a sure thing all the way? At all times? And is it true to all?... If you're going to ask me, I think you need to think twice!

You see, I have this classmate. At first, I thought of her as someone that I wouldn't be able to get along well with. We might attend the same classes and we might bump into eachother in the campus every now and then, but we never really had the chance to hang around for long nor have some short chit-chats.

I don't really have any idea but I just don't like the thought of being near her 'presence'. I even wonder if I would be able to stand the idea of having her as my classmate or worst, as a groupmate! I mean, there's nothing wrong with her physically. She has the face, and she absolutely have complete and normal body parts. But I don't know why nor I can simply explain why I'm so uneasy around her.

Sometimes I think that maybe I'm just unmindfully irritated with her because she has a strong personality like me. I can even compare and picture ourselves as two similar poles of the magnets that would instantly repel if placed near eachother.
I also thought that she was a snob, especially to those people not close to her or a stranger to her. Frankly speaking, I loathe her!...Just joking!!! :)... I may not like the idea of having her around but it doesn't mean I hate her. But then again, that was before I had the chance to get to know her better!

I guess it's plainly coincidence, or just mere circumstances that we're brought together to get to know eachother more. Not long ago, I had the chance to hang-out with her and our other common friends. I admit, it's kind of weird and awkward at first to be that 'near' her. I didn't even know how to act around her. Amazingly, my first close encounter with her ended, and yes, we had the chance to talk.

That close encounter were followed by another, and then another, and then another... until it became a constant 'thing' between her group of friends and mine as well to hang-out together. Because of this, I have no choice but to talk to her and make friends with her until one day, all those uneasiness and 'I-thoughts' about her vanished out of nowhere. And to my surprise, I've found myself being glad that I was able to know the real her. I've found out as well that we're, in fact, so alike in many ways. I was so pleased to know that someone likes and does things the way I like and do things.

I now realized that maybe I was somewhat bothered with her presence back then because I was able to see bits of myself on her (so much for thinking that I have a very, very 'unique personality!). Ironic it may seem, but I was more than amazed and delighted that I've allowed myself not just to 'watch' her, but to really 'see' her. Now, I get the picture. All those times I was actually seeing myself, uniquely and magnificently reflected on her.



xoxo,

Mae =)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My Restless Knight

It's true, he came unexpectedly, without a warning. 

But then who would ever thought that I would end up this way? Blabbering dreamingly about him to my friends on how 'sweet' and 'funny' he is, or WAS.
Who would ever thought that I would eventually like him this much even though we've spent less than a week trying to keep our communication 'alive' on every 'gadget' possibly avaible on the face of the earth.

Who would ever thought that I would learn to value him more than 'the past' for those brief moments I've spent with him 'talking' about anything and everything we could think of, no matter how strange, amusing, or exhilarating it was.
And who would ever thought that he would just drop by to teach me some things but in the long run would just leave me behind...

That's right, he was a nomad who was unmindful of the fact, that my brief encounter with him ended up teaching me lessons and making me realize a great deal about my life! He was a vagabond who taught me how to smile again,for real, after being emotionally broke from all the pain life inflicted me. He was a wanderer who made me hope again after being disappointed from all the things that I have longed for that, like a child's whisper, vanished into thin air. He was a rambler who helped me to have faith again after loosing it repeatedly along the way because of my excruciating experiences.

Surely, he taught me lessons in very eccentric yet special ways. But there is this one thing I've wished he taught me before he went away on his journey... 
"He should have taught me how to deal with so-sudden, mind-puzzling, soul-tormenting, and heart-wrecking goodbyes!"

xoxo,

Mae =) 

Where Was I?

Where was I yesterday?


I wasn't able to post anything on my blog yesterday, not even a single word despite the fact that I vowed to myself to post something every single day of my life (just to keep my sanity and to avoid overflowing of my 'hidden' emotions)... Well, to make up for what I've missed, I'll just repost my last entry from my friendster blog...hahahaha..

This is called, recycling... ... ...

Whew! I thought that was my chance to be finally happy (I mean romantically speaking)! I thought that maybe, he could be the one. I even thought that, “Hey, my ‘answered prayer’ has finally came!” But damn, I was just really wrong. He turned out to be the same as all the other guys that I have encountered. Taking advantage of my weakness! You know, the he’s-so-sweet and the he’s-into-you thingy but in reality they’re just trying to “taste and feel it” while it lasts! I hate it! In fact, I do really despise it! I hate the fact that I’ve dragged myself in believing that he could be different. I despise myself because once again, I acted on my impulse. I was being vulnerable again. I mean, yeah, I know that he didn’t asked me to fall for him but I didn’t asked to feel this way too. It just hit me, knocked me off unprepared. I never really saw this coming and I was totally caught off guard! I’ve let down my defenses, and maybe, that’s the reason why I’m hurting right now… I’m really hurting, BIG TIME! Just like an upgraded value meal, GO-large HURT!


xoxo,


Mae =)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

SOS: Come Rescue Me

I am really confused right now.

I don't know what's got into me. I'm desperately hoping that I would get all the answers to these never ending questions in my head about this certain guy.

I've finally learn to like him a lot, big time in fact, but it seems that he has finally made up his mind about me. I'm not really sure what's that about, but my guess would be that, he thinks I'm the most pathetic and weird girl he'd ever met.

Yeah, maybe that's the reason why he's now staying away from me, as far as he could get. And yeah, I know I don't sound reasonable nor sensible at all. I know that already. Coz the truth is, my head is on a whirl right now.

What's he up to? Was he just playing with me all those times? I honestly don't know what to do with this "thing" that I have for him! Everything happened so fast, I didn't even notice that he was already slowly drifting away from me. What shall I do? 


I need to find what's lost, I need to fill what's empty, and I need to mend what's broken!



+_+

FOXTRUTH: Sisters by Heart





FOXTRUTH - the moment you hear the word, you would probably think that it's a name of a certain platoon in a military camp, or if not you would say that it sounds like a certain kind of dance. But actually, it's neither of the two!


FOXTRUTH... this is what me and six of my friends named our group. I know, it sounds far-fetched, but I believe our name is unique!


Why did I say so? Well it's not because I'm trying to carry our own chair since I'm a part of the group, but it's because our name is quite different from all those too "girly" names out there. I mean, no offense to those names...

Anyways, I'm not here to talk about group names nor explain or deal with "how we got our name" stuff. I wrote this blog so that I can share to the people who would read this (hopefully, someone would actually take his/her time to read my blogs! =>), how greatful and thankful I am that I was able to find these amazing individuals!...

Okay, so let's start the ball rolling...

I met these "awesome" people way back in highschool. Who would actually thought that the seven of us would click together as a group? We are all uniquely different in a way, but we are completely alike at the same time...

Woyen or 'Woj' is my 'little sister' in the group and we even call eachother 'sis' because a lot of people thought we're sisters since both of us are 'chinky-eyed'. More often than not, she would cheer me up when I'm broken-hearted and would blatanly say that, this certain guy is not right for me. She is the "thoughtful - boy magnet" in the group. She's the kind of friend who would try to find every possible ways so that we can hang-out again together, (specially now that our free times seldom or won't actually match), and yeah, she's the boy magnet in the group because there are a lot of guys out there lining up to get her attention. That's how strong Woj's "S" appeal is to the guys!

Next in the line is Sharmaine or 'Shai' to us, and her other friends. Shai is my friend who's just a text away from me. We are also alike in many different ways. To mention a few: we both like to sing in Karaoke's, we're both talkative and just recently, we have sort of thesame "heart breaking" story! 'Shai' or 'Shy', is the exact opposite of her nickname! She is the "funny - superstar" in our group. Yeah, she's definitely not shy after all! Most of the times, she would entertain us not only with her nice singing voice, but with her funny jokes and 'stunts' as well.

Emerose or 'Emz' is my closest friend in the group way back in highschool. We would usually spend our time back then plotting our very own version of the T.V. series, "SMALLVILLE". It's because of her influence that I decided to continue my interest in writing (though both of us are just doing this hobby in silence). Emz is the "meek - artist" in our group. She really has a talent in drawing. She also has this innocent look that the moment you would see her you would wonder if she knows how to laugh boisterously, but surprisingly, yeah, she does! After all she's a FOXTRUTH!

Jessica or 'C-kay' is one of my close friends whom I wouldn't hesitate to ask for an advice. She's the kind of friend who would patiently listen to whatever you have or want to share to her, whether it's the most serious, life-threatening moment in your life or just an ordinary bad day you had in school. C-kay is the "intelligent - comforter" in our group. She has proven her wit a lot of times, even before when we were still in highschool. She have shown and proven to all of us that despite her being 'tagged' as the serious member in the group, she still knows how to have some fun and enjoy life's pleasure to the fullest.

Annette or 'Nette' for me is one of the bubbliest friends I had in my entire life. We used to imitate her 'going down the stairs and stop by to face the mirror act' in highschool and the way she placed her hair (which was usually 'one-side' [over one shoulder]). Quite a trademark right? Annette is the "sexy - carefree" in the group. You have to look and see for yourself why she's sexy! Though she seems very laid-back, but I know that she has a very big heart, especially when it comes to her loved ones.

Michelle or 'Macky' or 'Chelle', which I prefer to call her, is a very jolly and happy person. We seldom see her frown and I warn you, she has this contagious laughter! Like me, she loves to talk a lot as well. I guess if Chelle and I are talking to eachother, it would seem that there are four or more people talking instead of just two. Sounds exagerrated, but yes, we do love to talk. She is the "jolly - dancer" in the group. Michelle do really like dancing since then. She is ,by all means, a good dancer and she can totally dance away her problems no matter how difficult they may seem.



Well, the last but not the least, of course, ME!... Maelette or 'Mae' for short. I won't talk that much about me since I'm the one writing this, but I'll just share a piece of me as part of the group. Hmmmmm, let's see... I'm the "outspoken - hopeless romantic" in the group. Most of the times, you would find my friends cheering me up because some guy just broke my heart into pieces. Though there are times that my friends don't or can't get me because of my 'ever-changing' mood, but I know that they know how much I value each one of them. I may sound so melodramatic, but that's true. I would walk the earth's end just for my friends!


...Seven different, uncomparable individuals, yet we are one and thesame. 


"We may not be sisters by blood but we surely are sisters by heart!"


xoxo,


Mae =)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Dream ON!

I was wrong ,and at the same time, right about him...
Sounds confusing, right? Well, as confusing and weird as it may sound but what I've just said is true. WOndrin' why?...


Well, let me tell you first why I was wrong about him...


I was wrong about him because I thought that he was still the same guy that I knew many years ago. I was expecting that he was still the "double S" guy, SHY and SILENT.
But oh no, I was so surprised to find out that he turned out to be the exact opposite of who I thought he was back then. But then again, I'm also surprised to admit to myself, that I actually like the "new" him better than the old one.
I can say that he has changed a lot since then. I know I never really had the chance to get to know him that well before but I have noticed him well enough to note the changes that he possibly went through.
And yeah, I'm really glad he changed. And so I thought!...


I was right about him...


Talking with him and knowing him all over again was kind of fun and sort of "silly". Silly? Well, yes, silly... I mean me, not him. I turned out to be so silly!
Imagined, we've spend only less than a week trying to "create the bridge" between us, updating eachother about our lives, tracing back our connections and taking some sort of short trips down memory lane, and SNAP! I'm lost!
I just woke up one day and found myself smiling and beaming at the thought of him! Yeah, SILLY indeed! With just so little time, I've learned to like him, A LOT!
But then I thought,could this be for real or did I just misread him? Did I over react about the "insanely sweet" words he'd told me or did he do that just for the sake of saying it, just to trip me off a bit and see how I would react?...



I don't really get it actually, but one thing's for sure and that I am absolutely right about him all along...


"HE CAME TO MAKE ME FALL WITHOUT THE INTENTION OF CATCHING ME AT ALL!"




xoxo,


Mae =)

Need To Change

My Life... Such a broad thing to talk about... I think I can't wrap up my Life's story in one day. Yeah, sounds exagerrating but it's definitely true...

Though I don't have that picturisque and vivid childhood memory, but I know deep down inside that those memories were fun-filled and close-to-perfect.

Being the youngest in the family my parents lavished me with things I needed and wanted though we're not financially well off. I was the only child in our family that went to a private school from preparatory class up until college. Yeah, I was the "lucky child". I was given all the attention, in fact, there are times I feel that I was given "too much" attention. It's too much that sometimes I wish they would stop bothering me and stop noticing me.

I love to live a carefree life, I want to do things wherein no one would stop me or would reprimand me if I did something stupid. I want to commit my own mistakes and I want to learn my own lessons. I want to be away from my family's "eyes". Since I do really want to be far away from them, there are times that my illogical thinking gets on my way and will eventually make me wish that they all mind their own business and just leave me be.

But then selfish as I may sound, I would instantly run back into their loving arms whenever crises, spicifically financial crisis, hits me along the way. Heartless I am indeed, spoiled brat who's so self-centered and who only cares about anything that would benefit myself. I am totally aware of that and I am so aware of this "ugly" me that most of the times my conscience would scream at me and slap me on my face trying to make me realize that I NEED TO CHANGE! YES! I need to change, it's a must for me to change, and it's URGENT!





I know I better get moving and start being mature. I need to stop thinking about myself and try to be sensitive enough about my family. It's time for me to really try to be a part of them, to be one of them. 



xoxo,


Mae =)