FEATURE WRITING CLASS : persOnal experience

THE THIN LINE BETWEEN FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE

By: Maelette O. Masbate

 

I'm stubborn, I'm relentless, I'm self-willed, and I stick to my beliefs no matter what...and so I thought!

I reckon I would forever live up to my firm belief, "I WOULD NEVER, EVER ALLOW MYSELF TO LIKE A FRIEND... to the point of FALLING FOR HIM!"

But darn! Stupid Cupid aimed his arrow at me one day and I just found myself beaming and smiling at the thought of "this friend"! At first I tried to reason out that what I’ve felt for him is just a fleeting feeling and an overstatement of my emotion. I even convinced myself to not entertain the thought of liking this certain guy pal and instead I kept on instructing myself to just push the unusual feeling at the back of my mind. But as what other people would say, bottled-up emotions would eventually overflow or if not, would find its way out.

I hate to admit it but I guess I ate up my own words this time. I'm conceding, I'VE FALLEN FOR MY FRIEND! Honestly I can't think of any concrete reason why I came to the point of finally making known to myself of what I truly felt for him; what I know now is that I've been carrying the torch for him for quite some time now. As what Kanye West's line from one of his song says, "It wasn't meant to be, it just happened!" 

Even though I have learned to like him for more than a year now I still I can’t help but think of the absurdities behind our situation. Probably that is the reason why every now and then I would go and take a trip down memory lane and try to relive the memories we had together; I would usually try to recollect the past things that took place which brought me in this direction…

I started to be friends with him during the second semester of our second year in college. Yeah, we went to the same University. In actuality, we’re batch mates, classmates to be exact. Although we belong to the same department, we weren’t that close at first since I happened to be a non-block when I was in first year.  We only get acquainted with each other and eventually became friends because of a common friend. We used to take those long walks and head home together with our other classmates from the school towards the Cathedral to take our ride home from there; and that had become the group’s routine for quite sometime. During those long walks, we either walk by pairs or by a group of three or more. I don’t know whether it is just mere coincidence or some lame joke brought about by fate, but more often than not we would end up walking along together. There are those moments as well when the boys (him and my other guy classmates) would have to wait for us (me and my other girl classmates) because we’re still attending the novena mass in a church or we’re just taking too long doing something after class. I guess it was between the walks we have taken and those countless waiting, talking and teasing that I have finally realized that I was actually slowly falling for my friend.

So now you’ve gotten the picture? He has been a close friend of mine for almost two years now.  The friendship that we have built is like that of the relationship between a brother and a sister. As a matter of fact the longer we spend time together, the stronger the bond of our friendship had become and the more comfortable we have been with one another. We used to be very reserved with each other before; I don’t even really talk to him about personal stuff and all, but now he’s been one of the best confidants I had. He is one of the few friends I have that can truly tolerate and understand my ever changeable behavior; I seldom talk to him when we are in a group before but now he is one of the few people I would directly go to and talk with.

I guess I have finally figured out and comprehend that aside from this stupefying closeness I have developed with him, the reason why I am drawn deeper towards my friend is because of his close-to perfect personality. I may sound like a besotted-school girl but I really think that most of the girls would definitely fall for him for that sole reason. The thought that boys rarely act and behave the way he does made him more appealing to me. This guy friend of mine happens to be very gentlemen caring and sweet, the characteristics that would actually make my knees go weak. I can also confidently say that his good looks has been a great addition to the whole package.

Behind all this hidden attraction I have for my friend though, I really do believe that the situation I am in is in a way both complicated and risky. It is complicated in a sense that I know this thing I have for him has no where to go because I am more than aware that my love story is categorized under the one-sided or unrequited love area. It is risky because I am laying our friendship on the line since I supposed he still doesn't know that I have a thing for him. And much worst I feel like I’m betraying our friendship because I see him as more than my friend. I am juggling both my wanting to keep our friendship unscathed and my desire to carry on what I feel for him. But no matter how complicated and risky this might be for me I am still determined to keep what I have for him... I'm taking the chance!

though I am allowing my self to continue loving him in silence I am also open to the possibility that he might and would eventually find out that I have fallen for him. I have been readying myself if worse comes to worst that day would eventually take place so I would not be caught off guard. I am making myself geared up for the likely confrontation that might happen, which I doubt would; I am preparing myself as well to the odds that he might not be talking to me anymore or worse would be avoiding my presence, which I hope he wouldn’t.

I know I have all these worries with regards to where would my unspoken desire would take me but, as of now I am not letting that stop me from making more unforgettable moments with him. He might not be aware about it but I have been cherishing all those simple little things he has done for me since then. From the senseless talks we have shared, the corniest jokes we both laughed at, the littlest secrets I have confided with him, to the most bizarre moments we have had together, all of these have been occupying the biggest part in my life. Like what most of my close buddies have been telling me, “Do not think about all your worries and queries, for now just cherish and relish the moment. Just be thankful for every moment you are able to spend with him”

And that is what I have been doing for the past year and so, just living through the sweetness while it last; treasuring every memory that I could make out of the times spent with him, etching every minute detail of him in my reverie. I fathom I would never know until then where this thing I have for him will take me, I do not hold the answer to all these questions surrounding my mind and it is not for me to decide how all of these will eventually end; only God knows and holds the answer. There is one thing though that I am positive about with where am at in my life right now and that is, “There is definitely a thin line between friendship and love.”

To finally end my article, let me share to you one of the poems that I’ve written for him:

UNSEEN

I wasn't supposed to feel for you this way.
But lately I've noticed,
That just a thought of you completes my day...

I wasn't supposed to think of you this way.
But somehow I feel,
That you wanted me to be okay...

I wasn't supposed to wish for you this way.
But being around you,
Wipes away my worries...

I wasn't supposed to yearn for you this way.
But when you're away,
My mind seemed to look for you inside itself...

I wasn't supposed to long for you this way.
But the look in your eyes,
Wants me to be lost in it forever...

I wasn't supposed to hope for you this way.
But the way you care,
Makes me feel secured and love...

xoxo,


Mae =)